SAM SAYS: It's okay not to have it all figured out
Dear Sam,
I’m at a crossroads in my relationship and in life. I’ve recently embarked on a new career, something that I’ve wanted to do since I was young. It has been an incredible shift. It’s stimulating, rewarding and fulfilling. It’s more than a career, it’s a passion. The problem is that it requires a lot of travel and time away from my girlfriend, and the distance is starting to weigh on our relationship. We’ve been together for almost a decade and have never spent this much time apart. It has essentially become long distance and she doesn’t want to be in that type of relationship. I’m torn between two loves: my career, something that brings me joy, and the person I want to spend my life with. How do I reconcile the two?
Thanks for your help on this seemingly insurmountable issue,
Torn
Hi Torn,
I’ve got to hand it to you for kicking off the new year with one of the hardest questions this column has ever seen. But I applaud you for bringing it to the forefront, as I think it’s something many people struggle with.
You’re in a tough position and there’s no right answer. There’s only what’s right for you, your girlfriend, your lives and your relationship, and the conclusion you come to may not fully satisfy all aspects of the situation. As well as offering my thoughts, I’ve curated advice from people I respect, as well as some in similar situations, to help guide you.
There are several ways this could go. You could continue with your career and lose your partner in the process. You could continue with your partner and switch to a less fulfilling job. Or you could work out a compromise that you’re both willing to accept. The key to the latter is that both of you are willing and open to compromise.
A few points to consider:
- Which of your partner’s needs are not currently being met?
- What, if anything, could change in order to better meet those needs?
- What are you willing and not willing to do in terms of making changes?
- What is most important to you at this point in your life?
I’m a strong believer in being true to yourself. When we do things that fulfill us, it allows us to lead passionate lives where we ultimately become the best version of ourselves. It sounds like this new career is more than a job for you, it’s the fulfillment of a calling. It also seems like the current set-up has been a shock to the system within your relationship.
Transitioning to a long distance relationship after almost a decade together will take some adjustment, and you may need to redefine your relationship for the foreseeable future. The challenge will be trying to approach this as something that can enhance your development and help you grow together, rather than seeing these changes as a setback.
Advice from a few wise souls:
- Take it day by day. Don’t jump to any conclusions. Time gives you space to find solutions. As frustrating as the situation may be, or as heated as arguments might get, try to take it step-by-step as you uncover possible ways to work things out.
- Acknowledge where you’re at. Sometimes it’s okay to be in a place of confusion. We always want to have things figured out, but often we’re in a state of flux and that’s okay. The sooner we can accept where we’re at, the easier it will be to deal with the situation.
- Be true to you. You want to live without regret, but you never know how the decisions you make today will affect you in the future. Be as true to yourself as possible. Define your values—as previously discussed in this column—and see if your actions align with them.
- Connect. Big decisions like this are hard to make if the foundation of your relationship is rocky. Before focusing on the big issues and making decisions, take time to reconnect with your partner, rebuild anything that might have been lost or frayed, and solidify a foundation upon which you’ll be able to make sound decisions about your future together.
Sam Mednick is a professional life and executive coach based in Barcelona (blueprintcoaching.ca). A Canadian native, she’s been living in the city for eight years working with companies as well as individuals focusing on transitions, communication, leadership training, time management and productivity, as well as emotional intelligence development. For more coaching tips, tune into her podcast.