SAM SAYS: Own your emotions
Dear Sam,
I was recently passed over for a position at work and the job was given to a colleague who I considered a close friend. This person knew how badly I wanted the role and, although she didn’t directly compete with me for it, once I was told I wouldn’t get it, management approached her directly and she accepted it. I understand that people need to look out for themselves, but a part of me wishes she would have declined the offer out of solidarity. It feels like an irrational request, yet I haven’t been able to shake the feeling of resentment that has been building since it happened. I haven’t said anything to her, but I’ve been distant and she knows something’s changed. How can I move on, stop resenting her and, in the future, not take things so personally?
Thanks for your help,
Eating Me Up
Hi Eating Me Up,
Although this is clearly bothering you, it sounds like you’re trying not to dwell on it and would rather reconcile the situation, which I applaud.
As actor and writer Malachy McCourt once said, “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” As natural as it is to feel bitterness towards someone who we feel has wronged us, it can be one of the most detrimental emotions—especially if we don’t deal with it head on.
First, I’d like you to answer a few questions that might help uncover the heart of the issue:
- What is bothering you about your colleague’s actions?
- How much of this is about her and how much of it is about you?
The more you’re able to articulate answers to these questions, the better you’ll be able to understand why it is affecting you.
You mention solidarity, yet I question whether that’s at the crux of this or if you’re projecting something else onto her. Things that bother us about other people are often things that we’re frustrated about within ourselves. It’s not always clear as to what that is, but it’s worth pausing to reflect.
Your feelings are valid and I’m not questioning them—I’m challenging you to dig deeper in order to understand what is at the core of your reaction. Once you gain clarity, it’ll allow you to better deal with the situation. Whatever the reason, here are a few tips that might help with your current and future dilemmas.
1. Have an uncomfortable conversation. Tim Ferris, author of The 4-hour Workweek (2007), said, “A person’s success in life is measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations they’re willing to have.” If you want to know how to move past your feelings of resentment, talk to your colleague. Speak openly and honestly with her. You might also consider talking to your manager, the one who overlooked you, and find out why. There are ways to have hard conversations that don’t result in confrontation, such as using ‘I’ instead of ‘you’ when speaking about your feelings.
2. Own your emotions. Instead of trying not to take things personally, I would suggest that you acknowledge that you can and do take things personally. (We all do.) Then figure out what you need to do in order to ease your emotions and not let them affect your confidence. Sometimes just sitting with yourself, thinking, reading, writing or going for a walk is helpful to gain perspective and remind yourself that a rejection in the workplace doesn’t equate to a rejection of you as a person; perhaps this particular job just wasn’t right for you.
Sam Mednick is a professional life and executive coach based in Barcelona (blueprintcoaching.ca). A Canadian native, she’s been living in the city for eight years working with companies as well as individuals focusing on transitions, communication, leadership training, time management and productivity, as well as emotional intelligence development. For more coaching tips, tune into her podcast.