Challenges of Expat Dating
Coming to Barcelona alone — as an expat or long-term traveler — you face the challenge of building a new life from scratch. Finding a place to live, finding a new job and then there’s finding a new partner or lover...
Online Dating: Tinder & Co.
On my journey of becoming a professional life coach specialized in dating and relationship dynamics, I tried almost everything: Tinder, Bumble, Parship and others as well. In my experience, relying on these platforms does not seem to solve the problem in the long run, which is that many of us are afraid of confronting our fears directly.
Services like Tinder come with the appealing promise to skip this initial phase with no effort. But little do their users know that while this might fight the symptoms, it doesn’t fight the cause. Moreover, you are missing out on the most important moment of every new relationship: the excitement of approaching someone directly. Even if you find a way to build a relationship, your avoidance of expressing your desires and needs openly and directly will most likely come up again. Sooner or later, both of you might end up back where you started.
In that way, dating is a paradox. Online platforms and apps can be a supportive and useful tool, but only if you’re already comfortable finding a partner without them.
Cultural differences
Meeting people from different cultural backgrounds can lead to serious misunderstandings. The level of acceptance for touch and being touched, especially, varies a lot. Two kisses on the cheek is a standard way locals greet each other in Barcelona, but for many expats even this catches them off guard.
One of my clients recently dated a woman from Peru for the first time. He told me that he was a little nervous because she was gorgeous and, to his surprise, she started touching him right from the get-go. So he started to do the same and she seemed to be into it. “Wow, this thing is on!” he thought. About an hour into the date, she asked him if he’d like to go to a club and dance. He said “Perfect, where do we go?” Her answer left him devastated: “I know a cool venue. My boyfriend is the bouncer so we won’t have a problem getting in.”
Not only did he have no idea about the difference between social and sexual touch, but he was also not at all aware that in her culture people are typically more “touchy” than in Europe. She didn’t even consider their meet-up a date, as he found out later.
I had similar experiences in my beginner phase, too. It is important to take this with humor and not to get angry or frustrated. We learn from these moments.
Linguistic barriers
“Hola, em dic…” “Hola, me llamo...” “Hello, my name is…” If your vocabulary doesn’t consist of much more than that, it might be difficult to communicate. That said, the language of love is not necessarily verbal in the first place. The ability to project your intent through your body language is important. Or as a good friend of mine put it: talk is cheap.
Sometimes having only a basic understanding of one another’s languages is actually a good thing. Why? Because it forces us to use gestures and tonality to emphasize the things we want to express. In this way, your lack of linguistic skills brings out the creative, playful and expressive side of your character.
Verbal misunderstandings can also lead to funny situations. I remember hiking a trail in a park with a woman from Venezuela. We were talking about her week being pretty stressful so far and all of a sudden, with a bold and demanding look on her face, she told me, “I need peace.” Because of her strong accent, I had understood “I need a piss” and awkwardly suggested, “if it is that urgent, I will turn around and stand guard if you want me to...” She was so confused but after we realized what was going on, we broke down in tears of laughter.
Many expats I know are pretty good in connecting with people in general because they’ve had to many times before in other situations. Yet many of us still struggle to find a partner. Good communication is a good base to start from, but it doesn’t mean that you are equally good at expressing your sexual or romantic desires, which can give off the wrong vibe to attract a potential partner or lover.
If you struggle to express your desire and begin new relationships, you might want to consider seeking out long-term solutions such as coaching. Remember that all of us crave intimacy and connection and it’s ok to own it and enjoy the process along the way.
Andreas Vinyard is the CEO and head coach of My Next Challenge Life Coaching.