Coaching Column: Listen up!

SAM SAYS: Listen up!

Dear Sam,

Someone told me the other day that I’m a terrible listener. They said I cut people off mid-sentence and don’t listen to everything they have to say. I’m almost 30 and this is the first time that anyone has said this to me, yet I worry that it’s been happening my entire life. I wonder how many situations I’ve botched or opportunities I’ve ruined because of it. No one likes to be cut off when they’re speaking and, more importantly, people don’t like to feel as if the other person isn’t listening. Do you have any advice for how to listen better and stop myself from ruining any more conversations?

Thanks in advance,

Can’t Keep My Mouth Shut 

Hi Can’t Keep My Mouth Shut,

Firstly, I think that you’re being a bit hard on yourself. It’s true that no one enjoys conversations where they can’t get a word in edgeways, but if this is the first person who’s mentioned it in 30 years, it probably doesn’t happen all the time. I’m sure there are times when you have been able to keep your mouth shut.

This, however, is an extremely important topic, as 98 percent of us do not listen properly. Before delving into tips for how to improve your listening skills, try to take note of how often you interrupt people and examine your triggers: what prompts you to interject?

The only way to stop interrupting others is to first notice when you’re doing it. So, next time you’re having a conversation with someone, check in with yourself every few minutes and see how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking. 

• Do you have an overwhelming urge to talk over the person?
• Are you really listening to what they’re saying or just waiting until you can say your piece? 

The other thing you can do is tell the person you’re speaking to that you’re working on interrupting less and ask them to call you out on it if they notice it. We progress 90 percent faster when we tell people what aspects of ourselves we’re working on, rather than trying to make changes in a vacuum. Here are a few tips on how to be an overall better listener: 

1. Let it pass. In every conversation there comes a point when we want to dive in. We want to respondto something that was said and give our opinion. We become so fixated on what we want to say that we stop listening to the rest of the conversation. The next time this happens, whatever it is that you think is so important for you to say, let it pass. Let the thought float by and refocus on the conversation. It’s extremely likely that once you continue listening, the person speaking will say something else that you’ll think is even more important to comment on or make what you originally wanted to add irrelevant. 

2. Ask questions. This might seem obvious, but the best way to listen is to ask questions, because you can’t ask questions if you’re not actually listening to someone. Play a game with yourself and enter into your next conversation deciding to only ask questions. See what it’s like and more importantly, see how the other person reacts and responds to you. 

3. Hold the space. People want to be acknowledged, heard and validated. So, the next time someone comes to you asking to talk or vent about something, let them speak and let them know that you hear them. We often feel that we have to come back at people with great insights or intelligent advice when the most effective form of support is being able to hold that space for someone to talk, reflect and be heard. 

Sam Mednick is a professional life and executive coach based in Barcelona (blueprintcoaching.ca). A Canadian native, she’s been living in the city for eight years working with companies as well as individuals focusing on transitions, communication, leadership training, time management and productivity, as well as emotional intelligence development. For more coaching tips, tune into her podcast.