Expat Parents, Local Children?

Are you a “transplant”? Moving to a new country has its challenges, and sometimes we’re so busy making the arrangements and adjustments that it can be easy to miss the cues our children give us that they are struggling to adapt. A seasoned expat herself, psychotherapist Isa Soler shares with us ways you can help smooth the transition for your children so they can get the most out of  living abroad.

Have you noticed as you walk the streets of Barcelona, the amazing cross section of languages from all regions of the world? Lately, this has become one of my favorite things to do. As I listen, the regions and the countries come alive as the words pass me by. The richness of this practice nourishes my curiosity of the world and expands my ability to listen for the subtle and hidden nuances of languages and cultures among us. What luck to live in such a multicultural and multilingual place. Recently, I’ve noticed more and more families speaking several different languages among themselves. The parents speak what I assume is the home language and the children mix the home language with Spanish and Catalan. 

Such an interesting thing to be so capable of adapting and adjusting to the needs of our environment. Humans are truly amazing in the manner in which we secure our survival on this planet. It has occurred to me how interesting it must be for parents who have brought their children to live abroad, to find that their children have—with seemingly very little effort⁠—assimilated the language and culture at hand. I decided to look a little deeper into this and found that, seamless and effortless, it is not. 

Citizens of Everywhere and Nowhere

The term “third culture kids” (TCK) was coined by the US sociologist, Ruth Hill Useem in the 1950s, a term she used to describe children that spend their formative years in places that are not their parents’ homeland. This population has grown significantly since the 1950s as over five million children are attending international schools around the world. According to a survey by Denizen Publication, most of the 200 children in the study moved from their home country before the age of nine, have lived in an average of four countries since then, 85% of them spoke two or more languages and most believe they have a wider world view and are more culturally aware than their homebound counterparts. 

Imagine the opportunities and the bird’s-eye view of people and cultures this experience of being a TCK can provide. I envision this depth of experiences and expansive cultural knowledge base as just the thing needed to create great literary figures, activists and innovators: people that have lived beyond the confines of nationalism and regionalism, and that have seen the “big” picture; people that can see what is needed to create a future worth living for most of us. I wonder if parents of TCK see this potential in their children as they, so early on, integrate the many different views surrounding them? 

Despite the benefits of this parent-enforced transcultural assimilation, this can also be challenging for children. A 2016 article by BBC Worklife described third culture kids as “citizens of everywhere and nowhere” who often experience an increased sense of rootlessness and restlessness. It seems that the opportunities that moving abroad offers can also create difficulties in these children's’ sense of identity and belonging. 

Saying Goodbye

In order for us to assimilate and integrate the cultural richness of new places, our perspectives on who we are and where we come from may need to be revised and often deeply altered. Although this may sound like an exciting prospect to many, myself included, children may have a bit more of a challenge in adjusting to this transition. So many factors come into play: the child’s support network, the experiences of other losses and how these were mediated, the places and circumstances that were “left behind” and the resources that greet them in the new place. Sociopolitical issues, of course, are key in shaping the manner in which this is experienced. Imagine the difference in context, quality of life and resources that moving to another country would hold for someone who moves voluntarily as opposed to someone who is forced to move. These experiences are worlds apart in every sense. 

According to Children’s Mental Health Network, “‘unresolved grief is the most urgent mental health issue” facing this young population of TCKs. The younger the child, the easier the transition, according to different studies, for example children under seven will learn the local language faster, but children between the ages of seven and nine may feel more isolated, requiring more information and direction. Those between the ages of nine and 12 can benefit from being partially taught in their home language as they integrate into the new culture, given that a sense of identity has already began to form for this group, and children over 13 may need additional attention, perhaps therapeutic, as they forge a new value system and grieve losing the old.

Easing the Transition

If you’re among the 20% of Barcelona’s expat population who also happens to have children and you would like to support a smooth and enriching transition for your child, here are some things that you can do:

• Notice any mood and behavioral changes in your child; pay attention to sleeping and/or attachment issues that may surface and respond by asking and listening to your child’s concerns with patience and kindness. 
• Create consistency in daily routines as much as possible. 
• Create connections between the current culture and the home culture, through music, food, people, sports and keeping in touch with the home network.
• Be accepting of their grieving and support their emotions by listening without judgment, without having to “fix” it all right now, and at the same time, provide hope for the future. Acknowledge their emotions and provide support, creating some normalcy around their grief.
• Encourage opportunities to connect to the current community through groups, events and activities, while also allowing for those connections back home to be part of your child’s life.
• It’s important to remind them of their strengths, their past successes in making transitions and the opportunities that await them here. 
• Talk to their teachers and any school professionals that may assist in some way. 
• Seek a trained child therapist that specializes in expat issues and one that speaks the child’s language.
• Seek services, organizations and events that cater to expats and that can foster a sense of community for your family. 
• Engage in activities as a family that highlight the benefits of the current culture. 
• Support your child’s interest and provide opportunities for them to experience and engage in them. 
• Seek therapeutic services for yourself that will provide support during this time. 

Fortunately, we live in a city with one of the highest expat populations in Spain—20% of Barcelona’s population is foreign born—one which offers many city endorsed services year round to assist the expat and immigrant communities. This is helpful as connecting with community is a key component in easing the difficulties in this transition for yourself and your children. Reach out and connect to the multiple international and expat services, agencies and events available for families, children and adults alike. It might create the shift your family needs to experience the richness of living abroad. 

Be patient; we all arrive at different times. Be kind to yourself and remember what an important gift and opportunity this is you are offering yourself and your children: to experience life from multiple perspectives. I believe these are traits inherent in intelligence and creativity. So, next time you’re out walking about, pay attention to the languages that surround you. They’ve come far and long and it may have taken even longer to feel safe enough to speak out loud. You may notice how they change simply because they’re on foreign soil, but you may also notice in the subtle and not so quiet ways these languages may be changing you. 

Isa Soler is a US trained and licensed psychotherapist specializing in trauma related issues currently practicing in Barcelona. She enjoys living and working in this part of Catalunya as well as discovering, experiencing and documenting the changing nature of our world. You can connect with Isa on LinkedIn and read her blog at: expattherapybarcelona.com.