Coaching Column: Find the Balance!

Dear Sam,

I can’t seem to have constructive conversations. Every time I want to talk about something that’s bothering me, get something off my chest or confront a situation at work, it ends up exploding. I’d like to think it’s the other person, but if I’m honest with myself, I’m the common denominator in each of these situations. I don’t have a particularly combative personality I just can’t seem to tell people what’s on my mind or how I’d like to change a situation without things getting out of hand. Conversations usually end with someone walking away, a door being slammed or someone hanging up the phone and saying they need space. Any feedback on how to have better, more constructive and less volatile chats would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks so much,

Ticking Time Bomb

Hi Ticking Time Bomb,

Many of us view uncomfortable conversations as confrontations. Even if we’re not conscious of it, we can often walk into a situation that we know is going to be hard and already have our guard up and the armor on.

I applaud you for owning this and for not outright blaming the other person. That’s something most of us don’t do. Because these types of conversations are hard to have, it’s easy for both parties to become defensive and combative.

One thing I’d suggest is to notice your demeanor before going into these chats. What are you thinking and feeling? And what is your body language saying? All of this contributes to how we set the initial tone. Are you going into these conversations ready for a fight or are you going into them wanting to hear the other person out and genuinely walk away with a change?

We sometimes convince ourselves that we’re talking to someone because we want to create a positive outcome and alter the way things are going, when in fact we sometimes use these situations to unload and get everything off our chest that hasn’t been said in a while.

Another thing to consider is how long are you waiting before you have these conversations? Most people avoid these conversations, wait until things have boiled within us so much so that  it explodes into an angry verbal diarrhea that neither gets our point across nor results in any constructive change. If you’re the type of person who lets things sit for too long before confronting them then try having these conversations earlier, when you know it’s on your mind and before it’s at the point that you can no longer control.

Here are a few other practical tips for having more constructive and less confrontational chats:

• Interrogate Reality: Go into the conversation with the intent to listen and understand the other person. If you genuinely want things to change and preserve the relationship, you’ll want to know what’s going on within the other person. Unless they tell you, you can only assume. Unless you ask them what they’re feeling and understand why things are happening the way they are, you may be talking at them and not to them, which won’t prove constructive.
• Avoid the word “you”: When we say “you did this” or “you make me feel,” it induces automatic defensiveness in the other person, and ineffective conversations.  Instead, include yourself in the equation, because you are a part of the equation. It will have a drastic impact on the outcome of the conversation.
• Set the tone from the start: The way you start the conversation will determine how the rest of it goes. I often share these seven points with people to help properly open an uncomfortable chat. They’re from the book Fierce Conversations (highly recommended). The idea is to touch on each point in the opening 60 seconds. So, all seven points should be mentioned in the first minute and then you let the other person speak.

The seven points are:

1. Name the issue.
2. Give an example of the issue. (Give very short, tangible example that the person listening will know what you’re referring to. Do NOT go into detail since you only have 60 seconds).
3. How does it make you feel?
4. What are the consequences if this continues?
5. What role did you play in creating this issue?
6. Express your wish to resolve it.
7. Invite the other person into the conversation.

These steps can help you diffuse the “ticking time bomb.”

Sam Mednick is a professional life and executive coach based in Barcelona (blueprintcoaching.ca). A Canadian native, she’s been living in the city for eight years working with companies as well as individuals focusing on transitions, communication, leadership training, time management and productivity, as well as emotional intelligence development. For more coaching tips, tune into her podcast.