It Takes a Village… and a Lot of Unseen Emotions
Sponsored by Iris Cosar, Developmental Psychologist.
What is parenting to you? If you had to describe parenting using just a few words, how would you do it?
While people often respond, “It’s impossible to explain something like this in just a few words,” or “That’s a tough question,” I’ve noticed something interesting: if you gently insist on receiving an answer, it usually comes quickly.
The reactions I observe reveal two things: First, parenting is a broad, layered, long-term, and often challenging experience. This makes parents feel a short-term pressure, visible in their facial expressions and initial resistance. And second, despite this hesitation, they often arrive at an answer quickly— suggesting that parenting is, in fact, a deeply known and emotionally clear concept for them.
Regardless of differences in age, profession, gender, marital status, number of children, experience level, socio-cultural or economic background or geography, many of the responses share common ground. Surprising? Maybe not. After all, even if parenting is a subjective experience, isn’t it also a universally shared one?
Here Are Some of the Responses Parents Gave:
“Being willing to give your own life.”
“Loving without limits or expectations, and taking responsibility.”
“Helping and guiding your child without taking over, and trying to solve things in the best way you can.”
“Being the invisible shadow by your child’s side.”
“Unconditional love, happiness and dependence.”
“The hope of carrying life’s burdens together.”
“Love and joy.”
“Loving your child no matter what—it's hard to put into words, but it means everything.”
“It’s exciting, a little scary, full of pride, and unlike anything you’ve known before.”
“A boundless love filled with fear of loss.”
“A tender emotionality requiring responsibility and sacrifice.”
“The most beautiful, most difficult, and most joyful experience.”
“A thrilling journey where you begin with a flawless image in your child’s eyes.”
“Feeling wonderful around them and always wishing them well.”
One could interpret these responses and conclude: parenting is a highly positive experience filled with various uplifting emotions and situations. Or perhaps parenting is the act of describing love in many different ways—or trying to express it as far as language will allow.
But is parenting really only about positive emotions? Doesn’t it come with struggles too? Of course it does. The real question may be: Is it just not acceptable and common to speak openly about them? Or maybe the positive emotions are so intense that the negatives don’t even come to mind?
British psychoanalyst D. W. Winnicott explores exactly this in his book Talking to Parents, a collection of radio conversations from the 1950s. One of the most striking parts is when he asks mothers to share the difficult aspects of motherhood. He listens deeply and reflects on their answers, treating them with care and understanding.
Some of Their Honest Responses:
“Bedtime is always a struggle.”
“The house is always a mess.”
“My child’s rhythm doesn’t match mine (they’re too fast or too slow).”
“There’s never enough time.”
“I’m constantly tired.”
“The kids are always fighting.”
“I’ve had to put my own dreams on hold.”
“The constant running around.”
“My partner doesn’t help.”
“Endless questions.”
“No privacy.”
“Playtime never ends.”
“My child’s personality can be challenging.”
These responses point to something crucial: parenting, especially raising another human being, involves a series of intense, often unspoken challenges at every stage of a child’s development.
Today, it's easier than ever to access information on how to be a "good parent," how to raise children, what methods to follow, and so on. But the ordinary frustrations parents face—and the resulting anger, disappointment, worry, regret, boredom, shame, exhaustion or sadness—are not as openly acknowledged.
If we begin to view the relationship between parent and child as a two-way street rather than a one-way transmission of care, we start to see that both sides may encounter obstacles. Acknowledging that these roadblocks exist—and that they can trigger difficult emotions—is not only important, it’s necessary. So is expressing them.
As Winnicott Says:
“Anger that isn’t spoken poisons the love behind it.”
Yet it’s not only anger. Unspoken and unacknowledged feelings—like sadness, frustration, guilt or fear—can quietly accumulate within the parenting experience. When these emotions remain unseen or unnamed, they may blur the connection between parent and child. Naming and recognizing them doesn’t weaken love—it preserves and strengthens it.
So Let’s Not Forget:
Parenting isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being real. And in embracing both the joy and the hardship, parents may find not only more authenticity, but also more compassion—for themselves and their children.
Iris Cosar is a developmental psychologist specializing in learning difficulties and ADHD. She provides individualized educational support to children and teens to enhance their learning skills and offers consultation to their parents.
Sponsored by Iris Cosar, Developmental Psychologist.
