Learning, Adapting, Belonging: A Roller Coaster Worth Riding
Sponsored by Iris Cosar, Developmental Psychologist.
Image courtesy of Iris Cosar.
There are certain things I often think, “If only I had known this as a child or teenager, my life would have been so different.” Do you have those, too? What is something you wish you had known earlier in life that could have changed your path? I’m curious. In fact, if you have a moment, I’d love for you to pause and reflect on this before reading further...
Last year, I came across a beautiful teaching from clinical psychologist Becky Kennedy. It is called “The Learning Space”. If I had known during my school years that learning—the journey from the unknown to the known—is not a straight line but a winding path full of ups and downs, I would have suffered much less emotionally and climbed the steps of learning with more resilience. Looking back now, I realize that in the areas where I struggled, my lack of emotional resilience led me to form negative beliefs about myself. For example, “I’m not good at math.”
That’s why, in my work with children and adolescents today, I always start with this conversation. I see it as a kind of preparation phase. After all, learning is a lifelong, demanding journey. And before setting out on a long trip, the traveler needs to be prepared. So, when you find the time, I wholeheartedly encourage you to grab a pen and paper (or a tablet) and use the drawing below to explore this with your child.
And you don’t need to wait until learning becomes difficult. Quite the opposite—if we strengthen ourselves during times of ease, we’re better equipped to face the hard moments.
Here’s How the Exercise Works:
On the left side of a piece of paper, draw a dot. This represents the unknown. On the right side, at the same level, draw another dot. This represents the known. You can base this on something your child is currently learning—for example, a new language. The journey goes from the unknown to the known. But the path is not linear. It’s like a roller coaster at an amusement park: full of rises, dips, pauses, and sometimes even setbacks we’d rather not experience.
This path brings up emotions—frustration, disappointment, sadness, stress, even anger. But these emotions are not signs of failure or inadequacy. They are essential companions on the road from the unknown to the known. In fact, if the road has no ups and downs, we might need to ask ourselves: am I truly on a learning journey?
Image courtesy of Iris Cosar.
The challenge is that we often expect learning to be smooth. And in today’s world—where technology makes everything move ten times faster—we need patience more than ever before. If you’d like, you can reach to the full explanation of this concept via the link at the end of this article. I actually keep this teaching pinned to my office board. Whenever my motivation dips or I feel like giving up, it reminds me that I am, in fact, on the right track. You could do the same—after completing the activity, hang the drawing somewhere your child can see it daily.
Lately, I’ve been realizing that this teaching applies far beyond learning. Take migration and adaptation, for example. Isn’t it the same? Even before moving—when the idea of migration first enters your mind—you’ve already begun a journey of emotional resilience.
Especially if the country you’re moving to seems to offer better conditions, it’s easy to expect only positive experiences. Just as we expect learning to be linear. But let’s return to the teaching above: if the unknown point is the moment migration begins in your mind, then the known point is the point of adaptation. The road in between? Far from straight. Sometimes, it looks like a labyrinth.
Image courtesy of Iris Cosar.
As migrants, we all enter this labyrinth and try to find our way. Some of us face a tougher labyrinth than others. Each journey is unique. And if the country you move to happens to be in the Mediterranean, you encounter a culture that embraces joy, leisure, and life outdoors. This can create a clash between the emotions stirred by migration—stress, tension, frustration—and the emotions you witness around you—joy, peace, happiness.
This clash can make it very hard to understand why you or your family members aren’t “happy enough” in a supposedly better place. And this misunderstanding is often one of the main reasons migrant families come to therapy. Because while migration is challenging for an individual, it becomes exponentially more complex when undertaken as a family.
That’s why I believe it is essential, as adults, to remind ourselves again and again that this process is complex and emotionally demanding. At the same time, openly talking with our children about the realities of this journey can make a world of difference in how we all adapt together and how everybody’s journey is different than the other even though we move to the same country.
As a migrant psychologist myself, I’d like to share a resource that has helped me in difficult times, and I hope it may help you as well. Earlier in this piece, I mentioned how patience has become a fading skill in our century. Yet both learning and migration are journeys that require a great deal of patience. To keep this in mind, I recommend reading the book Patience —either on your own or together with your child.
* I have no partnership agreements with the resources mentioned in this article. They are heartfelt recommendations only.
Resources:
- https://www.goodinside.com/blog/the-learning-space-is-key-to-building-resilience/
- Patience – Rachel Williams & Leonie Lord
Iris Cosar is a developmental psychologist specializing in learning difficulties and ADHD. She provides individualized educational support to children and teens to enhance their learning skills and offers consultation to their parents.
Sponsored by Iris Cosar, Developmental Psychologist.
